alternative

in in that sort of mood.

not THAT mood.

i mean my english phases.

when i start, its really not controllable.

i mean, right now its probably from reading too many things in english in quick succession that accounts for my fake american accent (in my head cause im not talking to anyone right now. not out loud anyway)

so what am i doing?

downloading shit that might not work. gah.

just wasting time til i can go to bed without having to go to extreme measures

extreme measures= reading boring things, turning out all the lights, drinking warm milk, etc

im just here typing so i dont waste my english.. haha

there arent many times that i am eloquent and this might just be one of those times :P

bored!

...
Intro: cause i was bored, i googled my name, so this came up on the 3rd or so page. :P

Can you name 30 people you can think of right off the top of your head? Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 30 people.*NO CHEATING*

1. ajee
2. tonton
3. c3
4. talia
5. icy
6. kirsten
7. cass
8. mel
9. momz
10. ciely
11. gracie
12. dinny
13. nina
14. eya
15. j3
16. jb
17. mel t.
18. grace t.
19. bianca
20. timster
21. mj
22. presh
23. pia
24. dana
25. dav
26. ching
27. ces
28. jod
29. bern
30. den

• How did you meet 10?
ciely -- first year, second day. she was the other patricia in i-opal :)

• What would you do if you had never met 6?
kirsten -- im not sure that's possible. prolly know even less that i know about gaming, star wars, anime, internet, etc.

• What would you do if 20 and 15 dated?
j3 and timster? -- i would laugh so hard.

• If you could marry between 6 and 14 who will it be?
theyre both female! wtf!

• Did you ever like 9?
momz-- definitely not in a romantic way

• Have you ever seen 4 cry?
talia -- not. yet. haha

• Would 4 and 17 make a good couple?
talia and cass-- no, i dont think so

• Would number 1 and 2 make a good couple?
ajee and tonton? why not? :))

• Describe 8 :
mel-- aka smellykins, chem major, crazy for pink and disney and orlando bloom :)

• Do you like 12?
dinny--yes! i miss her rin!

• Tell me something about 17:
mel tan-- the wild twin

• What's 7's favorite color?
cass -- i dont know. does she have one? sorry!

• What would you do if 1 just confessed they liked you?
ajee -- dude!

• When was the last time you talked to number 15?:
j3 -- IM kanina...

• How do you think 19 feels about you?
bianca -- prolly thinks i could do better as a boss. haha

• What language does 13 speak?
nina - tagalog/filipino. the least conyo whore

• Who is 2 going out with?
tonton -- lau. :)

• What grade is 16 in?
jb -- 4-industrial engineering

• What is 5's favorite music?:
icy -- stuff i like when i hear it but wouldnt have found/sought out on my own

• Would you ever date 13?:
nina -- too. many. females. in. my. list.

• Is 11 single?:
gracie-- as far as i know.. hint hint

• What is 10's last name?
ciely -- cielo actually her first name is patricia

• Would you ever want to be in a serious relationship with 7?
cass-- again. too. many. girls. in. my. list.

• Where does 18 live?:
grace tan.. cubao area. mariposa st?

• What do you think about 20?:
timster -- you could do so much better!

• What is the best thing about 30?
den -- she knows what she wants and she goes for it.

• What would you like to tell 14 right now?:
eya -- miss you! are you having fun in arneo?

• How did you meet 9?
momz -- 2nd year siguro. friend of a friend :) dunno which friends though

• What is the best and worst thing about 2?
tonton -- best: gentlemanly man and gay at the same time worst: can hurt people without knowing it sometimes

• Are you going to know 3 forever?
c3 -- i would think so. we're in the same field. barkada. org. etc.

• How long have you known 26?
ching -- first year. but only got close in 2nd year HS

• Who is 24?
dana-- memcom member with a lot of heart :)

• Are you or did you ever date 2?
tonton -- no...

• Do you have a crush on 27?
ces-- hell no. haha

• Would you kiss 25?
dav-- no. friends zone talaga eh

• Have you hugged/kissed 22?
presh -- no, were not that close

• Would you like to hug/kiss 21?
mj -- sure why not? :P

• Is 29 your bff?
bern -- no.. and she's drifting even further now...

• What do you hate about 23?
pia -- sometimes too talkative. and magastos! haaaay

• What's your relationship with 30?
den -- friends. one of my core friends in IE before. but now shes not IE...

not the good kind

do you know i cry?

do you know i die?

do you know i cry?

and it's not the good kind

- the good kind by the wreckers

wala lang.

sad..

im tired of posting so much on my multiply. especially since thats more public.

Im-ing is a great pleasure of my life. only there's no one online. :( thats why i keep blogging now.

shameless plug: my multiply

Currently Watching: hannah montana
Currently Reading: anybody out there? -marian keyes
Currently Listening: dont walk away- haley james scott/ bethany joy lenz galleoti

DSL! yay!

[URL=http://www.speedtest.net][IMG]http://www.speedtest.net/result/277804875.png[/IMG][/URL]

yun lang. immersing myself in all the things i could never do before :P

exageratedly unupdated blog, hello!
i would say i missed you in the past how many days i was living without you. but i had a replacement. i started a computer journal na. ANYWAY. highlights of my life since i was last online: 1. i got my hair cut. actually before my last entry my hair was cut pero i didnt mention it. 2. i crashed, i burned, i turned to books and lit. grabe, masyado talga ako amazed sa word play! 3. started sorta regular swimming with ajee and icy and whoever else :P 4. gluon reunion! (it was only last tuesday)-- went there without expectations. thought id be home early, got home at 4am! 5. i devour ebooks na chicklit. icy, send me other things! 6. our DSL got connected today. but its not connected yet. irony 7. we went to manaoag to pray for my ate and stopped over in tarlac to throw china at a wall (to release anger). not worth the 2-3 hour drive from manila pero worth waiting 3 hours for. ------------------------------------ rant? im rotting at home. i sleep at decent hours, wake up early cause of the sun, watch random stuff all day then feel semi-miserable cause i was unproductive. i guess this is vacation for you. buti nalang i took summer classes. btw, i got 2.75 (as i get in til now all my repeated subjects) in onse and 1.75 in my barely efforted socio. which is good. grabe im hating AHs na talga. i cant take all the reading and connecting and analyzing. CRS talk: i got 141 though i might have to cancel that. i got a PE, miracle of miracles! its swimming and ends right as my ie27 class starts. thats not a far walk, but considering that 27 is on the 5th floor of engg and id still have to shower? shit. should i quit while im ahead? i think that'll be my new school year resolution: drop dont cinqo. cause really, how many more cinqos can i incur before im officially considered loserly? -5 siguro. :P what else? i should prolly sleep. but i dont really WANT to. haha my sister is dragging me along to jogging and basketball and UST tomorrow. i dont mind. getting out of the house is getting out of the house. pero im not really up for jogging that i didnt suggest. and i'll be tired and feeling sucky about my sucky sucky endurance again. in this past summerish break i finished OTH 1-4 AGAIN. im so ready for season 5. although when i finished oth4 the first time i said i wouldnt see season 5 na kasi itll be like season 7 of gilmore girls: disappointing and makes you wish you'd never seen it so you can still hope for better. my complete season 7 of gilmore girls is missing. i've only seen the finale once ata. thats how aghast i am by it, it didnt even give it the second look around. shit and its missing. i should just buy a whole new set. my old one's disc 4 is missing and our DVD player cant play some of the discs cause of scratches... gah... reading jod's blog. guessing movie titles. :) TTFN. i have to wake up to jog... :(

Burger king day

i am currently in burger king marcos hi-way because my house is sadlly internet-less.

so ive been here almost four hours na. okay right four hours na on the dot

ive just een downloading checking mail, etc

normal web stuff...

whats just so hard is that i have a laptop and no people with me so i cant like go to the counter or the bathroom a lot. haha.

so yun... its fun here. and a lot colder than my house..

wala lang.. i swore to myself i would make this day productive and this just might be the way im gonna do that.

if i can borrow my cousin's laptop a lot maybe i can make this a regular thing. hehe.

i need food. i forgot to eat lunch at home! aaahh!! :P

desperation- frustration

sometimes, i just cant take it anymore. y'know?

but this is NOT the time. im super sure. i hope.

i lobbied for this position. i mean i ran for it and tried my darned hardest to campaign. i attended every event to show my love for the org and i won. we were three and i won. with a substantial lead.

so now, im feeling that thats trapping me. that 50% of the voting population that got me where i am now.

aside from the love for the org that's trapping me rin, i guess.

my doubts lie in the fact that i am head of the committee i was never a part of before.

i had my speech ready if it came up at the meeting de avance.

"i had love for extracurriculars committee, that's why i was deirector there this past school year. but during my term as an officer, i discovered that passion did not beget skill. i had to accept that i was not the best person for that job like i am for this one."

it didnt come up.

maybe because someone else was crossing over from different committees and one other person was running without priors in the organization..

pero bottomline: i had passion for something else.

maybe i still do.

i just warmed up to this position when i accepted my ex-co-director was better and therefore more appropriate for the job and when i gave my friend a go to run for the position.

but since i believe love is not a choice, im still thinking maybe my heart's not in this.

so there.

im afraid im not going to be as effective as my predecessor. and come tuesday, ill be recreating one of her best projects.

one of my ex-opponents for this position is my director now. i am SO tempted to just call her up and tell her its her job now.

pero she lost for a reason. and im hoping that reason is that im better, not just that she's worse.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg..

just feeling all this pressure right now.

in my head im just thinking, this is not the event that i so loved about this committee. this is not the event that made me think i could handle this committee. this is the event that made me doubt my running in the first place. this is mu challenge. this is my obstacle.

this is the first hurdle im going to conquer.

Currently Watching: OTH2
Currently Reading: tangerine

as a supplement to "no best friend"

this is entry is entitled simply confused.

i told myself i would rant the thing i do not rant about to anyone who was online.

so i im-ed people who werent "busy"..

of the few who replied, i chose a "target".

small talk ensued. unless i am really close to someone i hate to spring stuff on them.

in the midst of this small talk, she suddenly asked "patag, do you consider me a friend?"

"yes, of course."

"then i can tell you a secret and you wont tell anyone about it?"

she beats me to the punch

"of course"

and then she tells me. my opening is gone. i cant tell her anything. i hate when that happens.

kasi when people open up, i try my very best to make the rest of the time about them.

im always guilty of trying to make things about me. so i consciously try to change that. haha sorry selfcentered.

so yun. she talks, i listen.

and i am simply confused alone again.

no best friend

i read jod's blog and he mentioned stuff about not having a best friend.

i'd prolly have a pool of people i could call "best" pero i dont have that one person. or two.

i just constantly have a support group. but its never constant come to think of it.

so now im stuck.

i always have like someone nga to tell stuff to. but this time my plan falls short.

usually i would choose a support group that was distant from the issue. kasi, mahirap pag asar ka sa isang tao tapos sa kanya ka nagrant about it diba? haha. im not very confrontational rin eh

so there. im in the said loophole of my system. add to that the fact that i like talking but i dont like talking about things that i have to talk about.

you know, the stuff you just cant keep in? that stuff. that makes me uncomfortable. vulnerable. to what, i do not know.

so i just blog and then pretend i have told someone.

until i can take it no longer and break some of my own rules. get out of my comfort zone a little bit. *shudder*

it seems im still in the funk

im in my bad mood again.

on my way to school (almost an hour late to my only class), i decided i wasnt going to talk today. not much anyway. i was predicting that once i got to the tambayan i wouldnt be able to keep my promise.

i went to the tamb. i said hi. then i said nothing. except for the occasional answer to "diba may class ka?": "12 pa ako papasok... <pointing at clock>"

i went to class, listened a bit, feared my first exam grade, passed answer sheets for tomorrow, got my grade (i passed! yes!)

i went to the tamb. left my bag, photocopied notes, was an inconsiderate bitch to the xerox guy, "ate" with people at the caf, went back to the tamb, bugged 06 girls, studied some onse, watched parts of whatever they were watching on ajee's laptop, went home kasi ajee and tal were going home narin..

i figured i could use the day to study.

then i remembered why i didnt like going home early.

1. you have no one to talk to

2. there is easy access to food

3. its hot and boring.

yun lang...

so im online now kasi burat na ako sa onse. its so damn freaking annoying. i half want to drop it and half want to kick myself for thinking that...

-my day-

my day for most part was predicted by my mood upon waking.

my dad had woken me up while looking for stuff in my room. (scissors)

i ate breakfast, rather distractedly and went back to my room.

i laid in bed staring at the ceiling for a good 10 minutes when i realized i would be more comfortable using a pillow.

so i slept fitfully til 9:10. i knew i would be late at least 30 minutes.

i went to school feeling terrible. i was staring blankly into space the whole ride there.

i went to the tambayan. talked to some people. all in this stupor.

i ate lunch and listened in on others' conversations.

then i went with ajee and beni to c3's house.

we hooked up a PC. watched superbad (half of it anyway). played a little basketball. hung around watching an old UAAP game, browsed through pics of c3's debut. and ate. and drank grape juice.

haha.

it was fun. i was just still a little down though.

...

its just one of those moods that i can stare blankly into space without having to think of anything.

im not that kind of person usually. i like thinking, enumerating stuff to do. singing songs in my head, replaying the day.

i dont stare into nothingness often.

and i think thats why i didnt deem myself ready for my classes. because i'd only stare blankly at everyone.

so yun.

i chalk today up to a sick day. im not going to be absent anymore.

haaaayy.. i hate making these promises

as an antithesis to my last entry:

this is a post when the blogger is just utterly uncomfortable and she doesnt know why.

this was not a good day.

i hate that i cant pinpoint what's making my bad mood. and im hoping its not what i think it is. :P

i hate that im just hijacked by my emotions or whatver they are.

i rarely have a choice. im just taken by it. wherever whenever

this is the reason i cant stop myself from crying at odd times (the night before a major exam at someone else's house for example)...

and it just makes me feel more frustrated. more... helpless about everything.

"even :)s feel fake when im not really smiling in front of my monitor."

so this is something im not really proud of.

i was watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in bed last night. i wasnt that sleepy, kaya nga i was watching to let my mind wander.

and i was tearing up. and it wasnt a part of the movie that was really emotional. more like the opposite. maybe i wasnt even paying that much attention to the movie at all.

and why was i crying? and realizing this made me just cry even harder.

its because of him. i hate that. that isnt me. well its not the me i like anyway.

hm.. i should stop. thats enough patag.

__________________

hi jod!

hi ajee!

hi c3!

...(loud sigh)...

hi, j3....

the pity hi!

happy :)

could i just be happy today?

the reason doesnt need to be stated. i just am. :)

_________________________

onse day 1:

i listened to the same shit i listened to twice before about forces and the force triangle. this time, i solved along with the prof when there were examples. yay! i know how to do trig!

and geometry!

i left the room after an hour and a half to hang with the people at the tambayan..

then i went back to finish the class...

same old same old...

when i wentback to the tambayan though people were shoo-ing me so that i'd go to class....

i cant be a model student! i've tried before!

bianca volunteered to be the "tagapagmana" haha funny...

so i went to the class. it was okay. the prof was sorta kalog. the class sounds okay fun pero im not magulo kasi i dont have close friends in class :(

anyway bad news, we have papers. and defenses ata. moving on i can do this! even with memcom and onse!

i can! i can!

hug out with haz and talia at the caf for a while. then with jeselle and pia and beni too. then sa tamb with mico and natnat.

the kids are so sabaw!

moving on..

i will just be happy offline :P

watching MAXXX

why am i watching maxxx?

kasi election just ended on HBO and i was surfing. then there was a flash-ish spoof-ish show on MAXXX where one of the characters was speaking in a rather familiar "accent".

the show was about pimping my jeepney apparently.

of course i have to watch. the show's name is the nutshack.

and there was a segment that pat o'brien was saying jeepneys are the new luxury hollywood vehicle, they had the osama jeep, the michael jackson jeep and the angelina jolie jeep. and they mentioned rin that claire danes insulted the philippines..

la lang. interesting.

"That's right, folks: the Philippines! where all the priests and nurses come from."

quiz-y thingies

Created by OnePlusYou --i worked hard for those clicks! without caffeine

Created by OnePlusYou --this is about my old blog. this one is 17% shorter than most :P

Created by OnePlusYou --in the case of an extreme disaster, this info might become necessary :P

from kirsten who got it from ma'am vea :)

1) ano sec. mo nng 1st yr high ka?
opal. the one section whose name i really didnt like. haha.

2) eh nung 2nd yr?
// champaca/kampupot. another section name i didnt like. turned out to be a great stressfull year. :) grabe! nun ko pala nakilala haloslahat ng kabarkada ko parin ngayon from pisay :P

3) 3rd yr?
// Cesium! yeah boy! the best ramayana evah! sino pa ba may reality like our wooden splinters hitting the crowd??

4) 4th yr?
// Gluon. the guys were gametophytes, the girls just laughed at what they were doing. :P

5) anong best year for u?
// i cant say eh. maybe 4th.. or 3rd. haha

6) baket? marami ka bang friends nun?
// oo naman. sabaw pa nung 3rd kasi "block" section parin kami

7) san kau kumakain kapag lunch?
// nung first year sa front lob, eh. pati nung third year pala! hehe.. yun.. pero usually sa caf nalang

8) san tumatambay after skul?
// front lob :) or sa field..

9) lagi ka ba late pag morning?
// nope. service eh. im either on time or absent :P

10) nasuspend ka na ba?
// NEVER. common experience ba dapat yun? :P

11) Bakit?
// nung high school kasi i couldve been called a perfect student if i had great grades, wasnt so noisy in class and so magulo in the hallways :P

12) masaya ba pag foundation day?
// wats the foundation day? kasabay ba yun ng family day-ish thingy?

13) have u ever danced on stage?
// define dance? haha. first year acque (bad memories haha)... sayaw interpretasyon nung 4th year... yun lang ata eh :P

14) nagka bf/gf ka ba nong highschool days?
// nope.

15) sinong all time crush mo nun?
// grabe, may ranking pala ang crushes... si dav.. hehe

16) would u go back?
// visit, hell yeah. i like looking around and laughing at stuff i remember and stuff i want to forget. :P teach? hell no. haha. di ko kaya.

17) ano lagi mong binibili sa canteen?
// probably ice cream. haha cant remember na eh. ah! chips!

18) overpricing ba ang canteen nyo?
// hindi naman.. actually hindi nga yata talga :P hindi nga lang great yung food

19) u ever sang on stage pag may program?
// pag may program no. :P

20) fave subj?
// eng4 with mam oble (the best english class ever!), sci scho days? haha.. uh.. math4 with sir tacuboy... grabe wala akong masabi.. :P

21) nagkabagsak k n ba?
// sadly.. pero ganun ang buhay eh...

22) have u ever been sent out?
// sent out of what? haha. maybe thats a no, noh?

23) feel mo ba malayo ang HS bldg till canteen?
// lapit lang eh. especially since im now in UP and distance is nothing haha.

24) have u ever run in the court?
// PE.. interclass stuff... yun hehe

25) varsity? of what?
// football. though thats hardly a varsity talga nung time namin

26) do u miss ur school?
// yep. grabe.

ranting

this is a rant.

i know no one reads my shit pero i guess i have to exercise some form of censorship.

or not.

kasi its not like it was a failure. its just like... paying for first class and getting stuck in coach.

maybe im being too critical here. maybe im just looking for flaws. or maybe im just super duper uber mega biased to my own objectives.

my objectives in going to events are:

1. to bond with people who go to these events

2.to have fun

but primarily its the bonding. and since i enjoy bonding, i achieve goal2.

here's the thing: bonding with 05s? easy-peasy.

seriously, buy a bag of chips, bring it to the tambayan, youre set.

bonding with other people of course is harder. how else do you talk to these people except in a CRUCIBLE of a situation?

so what did i think was the perfect crucible? 3 days and 2 nights in the same house on an island and some alcohol.

grabe hindi pala.

maybe i should stop now. pero kasi there's a sense of nasayangan in me.

wala lang.

it was my first outing like that. ill look back at it fondly for the fun i had. pero right now im dwelling on the fun i could have had. it might have been different. as in like not as great, or not as value adding, pero it would have been more educational? i dunno. i dont have the words, pero bottomline is, i could be happier.

PERFECTION

today, we got our accounting exams back instead of taking another one.

after one of the previous meetings, a couple of our classmates stayed around to get their papers checked. Mike got a 95 daw and the next highest one was 75.

i got sorta sad inside. i REALLY worked hard for the first exam.

so today, my prof announced that the highest in class was 101%, i knew in my heart that it wasnt me.

so when my name was called i was psyching myself up for a 72ish grade, maybe 80 if im lucky.

Then ma'am said "Miss Aguila got 94%"

i couldnt help but smile. it was amazing. so this is what getting what you deserve (academically) feels like..

then i got over it kasi other people's grades werent so great so they werent too happy.

then i saw that i got PERFECT in the multiply choice. PERFECT. i really had an easy time answering that part but that didnt matter. i am careless, i forget things, i encircled the wrong letter, stuff like that always happens... but PERFECT???

that's a rarity. i couldnt actually believe it. sure, the questions were taken right out of the book but STILL. i DONT DO perfect. i do minus ones and partial points

it's amazing....

not updating

its damn obvious i havent been updating

i havent been in the mood to type.

or to write actually

its sad. its like an old friend died. i used to have this refuge in my words.

well, i still have my words. i just dont have the emotions slash the inspiration to back them up.

you know how some artists are maarte? when you see/hear/feel their work you think its amazing, its fabulous. and then they realize you saw/heard/felt that and run towards you like you are a male model about to light a cigarette during a male model gasoline fight. They try to stop you, they are ashamed of this piece. and you dont get it, its beautiful right?

maybe to you.

but every artist has this thing. when theyre proud, theyll show it. When they think it is worthy, theyll even publicize it. But if there is even this tiny inkling that this is not the best that s/he could have done, they hide it. they hide it until they can understand what that inkling is telling them.

it's never actually understood how sometimes, to make a piece better you have to wreck it and start over. but that's usually how you get rid of that inkling of doubt.

for me that inkling is that the words didnt come from my heart.

fancying myself a poet, i would not and would never publicize work that was forced. it's against everything i believe in in literature. which should be the starkest of contrast to my dealing with the sciences.

that is why i am maarte with the blogging.

the past entries were fluff. they were made so that i would remember those days when i had long forgotten them. i would be happy for a while cause i remembered. then i would be angry. at myself, mostly. cause forgotten things are forgotten for a reason. and usually that reason is that you dont need those things anymore.

_______________________

part of what im working on:

this one thing i am sure

no mind is born impure

the world's evil and clawing fingers

ensure that evil will there linger.

evil is sued twice, i know. a literary no-no.

here's my poetic license, officer. i'll be on my way now.

Currently Listening: nothing

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